I am not an onion
Updated: Aug 11, 2019
If I said to someone, ‘I’ve been busy. I’ve been learning to be me!’ they may look at me in a confused way and reply, ‘Well who were you before then??’ I have always been Sarah, obviously but as we go through life we try and fit in and we try and please people. Those things over the years build up layers and cause us to lose sight of what makes us feel really alive and totally us. It takes a lot of time and effort to peel those layers away.
Each time I peel back a layer and I learn to let old stuff go, I get a bit of me back. Another piece of the puzzle. What I'm learning though is it is never ending. I very much would love to fix things, tick boxes and move onto the next, think like life is a check list but much to my frustration, I am learning that it doesn't work like that. Each time we learn from an experience we gain a greater understanding of not only ourselves, but of past situations. So having peeled away a layer we are not done with it, at a later date we can go deeper still. Things I thought I understood, worked on and even healed, I have had to go over again with new eyes, new skills and greater awareness.
I am gradually more accepting of this way of being but it still makes me want to scream, 'what more layers, even more layers? I am not an onion!'
What I know is that as I gain a better understanding, I find it's far easier to go with it, to allow things, feelings and changes, than to resist them. Usually me being me there is a bit of a wrestle or a fight; a bit of feet stamping before I go, oh yeah ok, I am meant to allow and not resist. I think it takes practice. I will get the hang of it eventually!
Allow is a good word and it is one that seems fitting for me in 2018. I have never really picked a word for the year before, I know lots of people that do. There is something about the word allow which seems like a good one for me so that can be my word this year. I am allowing allow to be my word!